Ten years ago around this time….

The ten year anniversary of 9/11 got me thinking. I thought about not so much the terror of innocent people dying ( I am a crier and as it was all the stories and commercials had me bawling) but rather where I was when the Twin Towers were attacked. I can recall how I was in my apartment during my freshman year of college. Classes had been going on for about a month. I was getting ready for class when my neighbor down the hall called me over. I rushed over to her apartment and just stared jaw dropped at her tiny tv. I couldn’t believe what was happening.

The images of people dying immediately sent my mind racing to images of my loved ones in the armed forces. I knew we would be going to war and that my loved ones and friends who had just recently enlisted would soon be in harm’s way.

A lot has happened since that milestone in my life. Ten years ago I was a freshman; today I am in my ‘freshman year’ of my doctoral program. Ten years ago I was just getting used to not living with my parents, who at that time were just a two hour drive away. Today my parents live 2114.14 miles away, better yet, I should say I live 2114.14 miles away from my parents.

In those ten years I have experienced a lot of different situations I had never placed much thought on. I knew I was just starting my life as an adult, but I did not worry too much about the future; I assumed things would work out in a positive manner. In those ten years I was introduced to the concept of love, jealousy, lust, disappointment, betrayal and new friendships. I was forced to rethink what I thought I wanted in my life. I graduated from two different academic degrees, but I was far from graduating in maturity.

My friends and family started to marry, some to have children, and grow in a way I have yet to experience. I am just now starting that chapter in my life and am very apprehensive on how I will do.

In the ten years since September 2001 I have lived in thirteen different houses/apartments in three different regions. In case you are wondering my domiciles can be broken down as follows:

• 3 apartments in Puerto Rico as an undergrad
• 3 apartments, 1 townhouse and 3 houses in Arizona
• 1 apartment, 1 townhouse and 1 house here in Arkansas

In those ten years I had my share of romantic relationships, some that ended up as friendships, others that I don’t plan on speaking to anytime soon. In those ten years I had to say goodbye to my maternal great-grandmother, my paternal grandfather, my godfather, a maternal great-uncle and my beloved Morpheus.

The past ten years have been full of ups and downs, endings and beginnings. I am curious to see what the next ten years bring. I guess I will just have to wait and see.

Saying Goodbye

I decided this morning that I would write about my goodbye to Morpheus so that no one asks me about it.

Yesterday around 5:45pm we had Morpheus euthanized. I know it was the right choice to make, but I can’t seem to get the memory of seeing his last breath and his silence out of my head.

For those of you that didn’t know, Morpheus had cancer. I found out at the end of May while at the vet for Morpheus’ vomiting. After they did exploratory surgery they told me he had days to live. He lived another two months. He was like his old self thanks to some medication. After that we noticed one of his stitches wasn’t been absorbed by his body. He was put on antibiotics. We left for our honeymoon trusting that when we would come back he would be fine.

We came back to a wheezing dog. A few days later we find out he had liquid in his lungs from a growth on his lungs. We also find out that the cancer has grown back with a vengeance. Nothing helps, especially the meds they gave him for the liquid that also cause dehydration. Tuesday night Morpheus vomits at least ten times and doesn’t want to be loved on. Wednesday he doesn’t eat or drink. All he does is look at me like I am the most horrible person in the world for force feeding him water. He can hardly breath. The dog I have loved for almost eight years is suffering and all I can do is cry. I know that he is only going to get worse, so I make the call to the doctors office.

An hour and a half later we are waiting in the room for the doctor to come in. They had a towel and a box of tissues set on the counter. They then explain that they will sedate him and then inject him with the medication that will stop his heart. Will and I say our goodbyes as he slowly falls asleep with his tongue sticking out of his mouth. His tongue will no longer give me kisses on my cheek. His tail no longer wags. Will and I break down. I know that a piece of me died with him. Morpheus was more than my dog. He was my companion and best friend. He loved me unconditionally and I loved him. He helped me through depression. He loved me in the good times. He touched so many with his personality.

I woke up this morning without him to lick me awake. Instead I had Abacus there staring at me. Just as I am suffering in my loss of a great friend, so is he. Abacus was two months old when we came home to us. All he has known is Will, Morpheus and I as his loved ones. He still looks for him. He misses him. How do I explain to him that Morpheus isn’t coming back to play?

I now wait for the call to pick up his ashes. I don’t know how long it will take. I plan on burying his ashes in the first yard he knew, my parents’. I plan on planting a tree in his honor. I hope that he likes resting in the Puerto Rican soil he used to play in. I hope he knows I how much I loved him. I hope that his soul is happy no longer suffering. I hope that I get to see him in the next life because I know that our love and connection must be longer than his almost 8 years of life.

I know life will go on. I also know that life will not be the same without him. I am learning to cope with that. I feel bad for my husband. He has to deal with me and my heartbreak. I am trying to be strong. I know this is something I will have to try for everyday. I don’t think I will be very good at it, but I will try. I will do it for Abacus and for Will. I will also do it because Morpheus wouldn’t want to see me cry. If he was here he would do what he did most of his life, lick my tears away.

I am sorry Morpheus. I miss you and will always love you. <3

Finally married!!

Its been two weeks since my beau and I tied the knot. I have to admit, I wish we had eloped. It would of been so much easier. But regardless we had a great time and now I am learning to refer to him as my husband. We have yet to get our official pictures from our photographer but we should be receiving them in the mail by the end of the month. I have been reorganizing the house since we got back this week, and soon I will sit down and write my ‘thank you’ cards. I start my Phd classes in just ten days and I am surprisingly not worried or excited about it yet. I think it has yet to sink in.

Anyways…..here are some pictures family members posted on facebook of our big night. Enjoy!

Finding the way to cope

I had posted on my facebook page just a few days ago the blindsiding news that Morpheus has cancer. I say blindsiding, because I was in fact blindsided when the veterinarian told me that she thought she could feel a large mass in his midsection. I had gone in with Morpheus because he had repeatedly vomited his food. I didn’t think too much about the vomit since back in 2007 he had gastritis and I thought he was probably having the same thing again.

What I did not expect was for the doctor to have three of her colleges come and feel Morpheus and all have the same look of worry on their faces. Bloodwork was taken, all which came back normal, until finally a radiology was taken. Morpheus did in fact have a tumor the size of a grapefruit in his midsection. I was aghast. How the fuck did the doctors not notice it when he had his yearly exam back in August??? How had I not noticed that my dog was clearly sick??

I was given antibiotics to administer to him once we got home and special food for his vomiting. He was also given a shot to help him keep his food down.  On my way home I broke down. I had been texting with Will since he was in Alabama in Space Camp with the six graders and wasn’t nearby to talk to. I called my parents. I had to share the news in fear that if I kept it in I was going to die of sadness. The doctors had said for me to call them 3 days later to let them know how he was doing and if he didn’t go back to normal they were to schedule an exploratory surgery to see if they could remove the mass.

I ended up calling the doctors the next day. Morpheus wasn’t hungry. His normal loving and happy attitude was gone. He was lethargic. They scheduled his surgery for the next day, Friday. Once I got to the offices I was told that there was a great chance that the mass could not be removed. Four hours later I got the call that the tumor was too involved with his intestines and it was impossible to remove. They then asked me if I wanted him to wake up from surgery. I lost it. I told them yes that I wanted him to wake up. At that moment I was at work. I had to leave. I was a mess. I talked to the office and left work. I went over to the doctors office. I wanted to know what his options were. They told me there were none. They thought it was a miracle he was that healthy, that “fat”. While there he heard my voice and woke up, trying to find me. I knew then that he was a fighter. I told them I wanted to take him home once the meds wore off. I knew they there were just doing their job but being told Morpheus was a goner and had ‘days’ left was too much. If he was going to die I wanted him home with Abacus, Will, Ivy and I. He was sure as hell not going to be left on an operating table.

That was Friday. Today, three days later, Morpheus is doing pretty well. He is eating. He is drinking water. He is farting up a storm, but he is here. I can take his horrible farts as long as I know he is doing okay. I am not going to lie, there have been some worrisome moments. He has crawled under the bed, rubbing the six inch incision at least four times. He has pulled some stitches out. He has bruising in the area of the operation. All of these things he has done because he is active. All of these things he has done because he hates being told what to do. He is a fighter.

He is my son. For people that don’t understand how someone can love a dog so much has clearly never met Morpheus. My friend Katrina wrote on my wall something that describes Morpheus perfectly. “He is the most intelligent and lovable dog I have ever met”.

Morpheus has been my companion for the last seven and a half years. He has been with me through the ups and downs. He has been with me as boyfriends have come and gone. He has been on more plane rides than a lot of people I have met. He as lived in two different states and Puerto Rico. I will miss him whenever his time comes. But that time isn’t here yet and I plan on making sure he is loved and cared for until that time comes.

Thats how I am coping. I am going to fight for him. Just like he would fight for me. Fuck you grim reaper, you are going to have to get through me to get him.

Living Christmas Present

The BEST present I received on Christmas day was picking my mother up at the airport. I have to say I felt spoiled this year because I had the chance to see my mom, not once, but twice this year. I normally only get to see my mother in person once a year, which regardless to say, still sucks big time. Just last night as we (Mom, Will, Ivy, Rosa & Will’s cousin and aunt) were having dinner out (at the restaurant that my future brother in law works at)  it came up that I haven’t celebrated my birthday with my parents since I turned 22 almost 6 years ago. Rosa’s jaw dropped and asked me how I could stand it. I responded that its the catch of having a birthday in March and living far away from my parents. I also explained that with both my parents being university professors and my either being in graduate school and/or working I haven’t had chances to my either go down to Puerto Rico for my birthday or my parents being able to come visit me for my birthday.The only chances I would get to see my parents would be at the end of a semester (May) or for Christmas.  Now that I have been living in Arkansas for almost 2 years, I have had to compromise with Will and alternate Christmas’ between here and Puerto Rico.  Hopefully this year since I will be a at student once again in the Fall I should be able to go down to Puerto Rico for at least 2 weeks for Christmas, depending on weather I am a graduate assistant or if I have to be working outside the university to pay for my degree.

Going back to my reason for posting, my fabulous mother. Although both my mother and I have a tendency to take tons of photographs, we were enjoying each other so much that we hardly took pictures during her short visit. Below are some pictures I did manage to take of her and of Will and I during the holidays.

 

Will with his folks

Mom and Ivy

Think we had enough food on the table?

us

 

My litte pony & ewok

Will with his moms

my mommy and I

I honestly could of done with more vacation time and more Mommy time, but alas, that’s how things are. The most important thing for me is that I was able to spend Christmas with my mom, Will and Ivy. I was able to end the year with my loved ones and start the new year with them as well.

 

Labor Day Weekend

This past weekend was a VERY interesting one for me. Along with a big surprise on Sunday the weekend was one of many firsts.

• Family roadtrip

• I visited and stayed at the Keirn Family “farm” in Big Flat, Arkansas

• Toured the Blanchard Springs Caverns

• Visited a “city” of less than 300 persons

• Canoed down the White River for 3.5 hours

• Ate lunch in a town with a number as a name

The place we ate lunch at was a bit scary…these pictures will explain why

Another town we visited and ate at, this time with a population of almost three thousand, had some interesting features that I know y’all would love.

Hope everyone had a relaxing three day weekend.

Love,

Aíxa

Blanket

Back in late April/early May I decided to make a blanket for my niece’s 1st birthday. Needless to say, I am not the most experienced sewing machine user. I own a sewing machine and I have successfully completed a few projects on it, but to this day I don’t feel comfortable in my lack of proficiency. Regardless I found some cute fabric and went ahead with my blanket plans. Halfway through the sewing I noticed that the person who cut the fabric for me at the store hadn’t done the best of jobs in making sure she was cutting on the border of the fabric. This meant that my job was going to be harder than it should have been. I decided to enlist my mother in law, since she is much better at solving these types of problems. True to my expectations she and I worked together to make the top material and the backing (a cute pale yellow flannel) match up as best as we could. In the rush to make sure that I sent the present in time to Arizona I forgot to take a picture of the finished product. What we didn’t forget to do was add my niece’s name in the lower left corner of the blanket. About a few days ago my brother and his wife sent me pictures of my niece drinking her bottle and napping on her present. It was nice to see her enjoying the present Rosa and I worked so hard on.

Our Saturday: Kiddie Pool and Friend’s Wedding

As the post title clearing states, we spent our Saturday doing two main things, relaxing in our kiddie pool and attending my friend Allison’s wedding. We also spent the time before the wedding on a quick motorcycle ride and grilling. Overall it was a nice change of pace. Enjoy the pictures!

The pool

Keeping cool

trying to get some sun

Happy Couple

Abacus Rex

This past Friday we welcomed the newest addition to our family, Abacus. Our new bundle of joy is two months old and a total complement with Morpheus, to the point that I am a bit weirded out how well they mesh. In the three days he has been home he has learned to walk on a leash, go up stairs, go down stairs, and how to play with Morpheus. The potty training is going super well, Abacus only had one accident on Saturday night, but we weren’t home so its no biggie, and it was on the tile floor downstairs. I am looking forward to many more milestones and enjoying my boys. Below are some pictures of Abacus Rex.

My boys

After a long day

Bonding

Kansas City Wedding Weekend

This past Memorial Day weekend was spent up in Kansas City for my beau’s friend’s wedding. I had never been to Kansas City, so I was looking forward to being in an actual city. I already knew that I wasn’t going to get any undivided attention since my beau was a groomsman. Having this in mind I tried my best to have a good time.

I know it may sound silly, but I was pretty excited about seeing a four lane highway again… it’s like I was back in civilization! The beau was nervous about all the construction on the highway but I was in my element! While the beau was doing his thing in the wedding rehearsal I enjoyed the sights and smells of the rose garden at Loose Park. That same day we had dinner at the bride’s parents’ house out in Desoto, Kansas. I even got to say “we aren’t in Kansas anymore!” once we headed back to our hotel that night. While in Desoto we played around and tried to relax.

The next day was the big day for the bride and groom. The beau shaved off the goatee for the ceremony at the groom’s request, which to be honest, I was happy about. During the ceremony, which was held at a farm, the turkey decided to chime in a couple of times. Other than the humidity, the heat, a passing airplane and the occasional turkey call, the ceremony was sweet. About ten to twenty minutes after the ceremony it began to storm. Luckily the pictures had been taken and we were all in the red barn by the time the rain and lightening got really bad.  Below are some pictures from our weekend in Kansas City.

The Rose Garden

The boys talking trash to each other

Us

The Red Barn

The happy couple

The other happy couple

I wish I had a picture of my entire outfit so that you would see my super cute dress, but alas. I guess that is part of being behind the camera. On a side note, the top string of my necklace broke as I took it off that night! I am going to see if I can get it fixed. You can probably imagine how mad I was when it happened. Although I am glad it happened at the hotel and not during the wedding. Gotta look at the bright side, right?