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Hello blogosphere my name is Aíxa, I am 28 years old and as of December I am the primary caretaker of my 58 year old mother who has Alzheimer’s Dementia.
I am hopeful that my mother will continue to fight this disease that has taken away her silver tongue and her spirit.
I am hopeful that she will be treated normally and not like some invalid, if not I will personally rip anyone who sees her differently a new butthole.

2011 had its share of up and downs but my husband and I have done our best to overcome the obstacles that life has placed in front of us. Despite all the stresses being placed on our relationship I am trying my best not to take out on him my frustrations. It is neither of our faults that life is testing us.

To those who personally know me please know that if I am absent from social gatherings or just not as available as before to chat, it is not that I don’t care to talk but rather that I have no time to be seeking people out. Having said all of this I wish everyone the best in this new year. ✌

My Christmas Vacation so far…

I have been back on the island for five days so far. My really good friend Laura has been here four days and leaves in two back to Arizona. Since she arrived I have taken her to Plaza de las Americas (which is a huge mall), El Yunque, dancing, and the beach. Tomorrow we are going to go horseback riding! I haven’t been on a horse since I was very small and I am both looking forward to it and afraid at the same time. Also on the agenda is Old San Juan. In just over one week my hubby will be here, which I am very much looking forward to. Here are some snapshots of the places we have been and the food we have eaten.

Update: the price of beauty

It’s been a week since I blogged about my gauging my ears down to a 6 gauge. My ears since then have stopped aching and my piercing holes have successfully healed and no longer get crusty. Today one of my classmates/friend gifted me a cute pair of earrings made of wood with mother of pearl that she no longer wears since she is down to a 2 or 0 gauge (if I remember correctly). I am glad to no longer have tapers in my ears since they are long and I would sometimes get them stuck in my hairbrush. Here is the end result. I think I will wait a while before I gauge down to a 4. What do you guys think?

Overcoming the dreaded ‘d’ words

This year has been one of many milestones and changes. This is the year I learned of my beloved Morpheus’ cancer, had to deal with his death and the loss of not having my companion of almost 8 years at my side. This is also the year my mother was diagnosed with dementia. In both instances my first reaction to the news was of guilt.

With Morphy’s cancer I felt guilty I hadn’t taken better care of him. To this day I feel there could have been more I could have done for him, that I could have noticed his sickness sooner. With my mother’s diagnoses I feel guilt for living 1000 miles away. I feel guilt for not being there to take care of her. I feel guilt for not being there to notice the signs of the illness sooner. I feel guilt for not being there to force her to see a doctor.

As I have mentioned in prior posts I only tend to see my parents once a year or every other year. It is a situation that sucks and I wish I could afford to see them longer and more often. Two years ago last Christmas I noticed my mother’s ability to tell a story was faulty. Those who know her know that she is an awesome storyteller. She has a PhD in Hispanic American Literature and she is one of the reasons I am a bookworm. Last August when she came to visit I noticed her ability to recall words in both Spanish and English were off the norm. I told her I was worried something was wrong and she promised me she would go see a doctor. Christmas came and she hadn’t seen a doctor yet. I could notice her frustration at her not being to tell a story of something that had recently happened. Every time she would have trouble recalling a word she would just say “tu sabes” which translates to ‘you know’. I would tell her that I didn’t know what she meant and force her to take her time recalling the word or name and told her to be patient with herself. To make a long story short it wasn’t until March that my mother was able to see a doctor. I think part of her was in denial about the whole situation.

These past few months I have only told a few people of my mother’s condition. I think that I thought if I didn’t talk about it would be less real. My guilt has transformed into despair about my lack of ability to help her. My father and grandmother tell me that when she talks to me on the phone her eyes light up and she becomes more like her old self. I know they are trying to make me feel better but in reality their words remind me of my guilt. Maybe if I lived there she would get better. Since living in Puerto Rico is currently not an option with my PhD studies underway the most I can do is use my vacation time to see her.  This decision makes me feel guilty that I am not going to be spending a lot of time with my husband. Guilt is my word of the year.

One of my greatest fears in regards to my mother’s health is that by the time we decide to try to conceive that her short-term memory is going to be so affected that she won’t be able to enjoy a grandchild from us. So far her condition is just affecting her language center but who knows what it can affect next. My greatest hope is that the medication that they are giving her helps. I am more than willing to make any sacrifice I can to help my mother. All I can currently do is dote on her and spend as much time with her. I find myself in a tug of war with my emotions. Happiness with my studies and the long-term rewards that they promise, sadness with Morphy’s death, happiness of being in love with my darling husband and guilt/sadness/frustration, etc with my mother’s health. I am really hoping 2012 treats me better.

I now have two awful words on my list of hated words: death and dementia. Both of those words suck and are vindictive frakers. Muerte y dementia…los dos se pueden ir a carajo.

The price of beauty

What is beauty? I think (and pretty certain) that people would define beauty in many different terms. Some might say its a person’s looks while others would say its in the way a person holds or carries themselves.

I like to define beauty as an act a person goes through to make themselves feel beautiful. Beauty can be getting a haircut or dyeing one’s hair; beauty can be working out, putting on makeup or getting a tattoo or piercing. Beauty for me is body modification and people modify their bodies in different ways.

Of my friends I can easily state that they all participate in some form of body modification. In particular of my close friends almost everyone of them has a tattoo or non-typical piercing. I personally have five tattoos and four ear piercings not counting the two holes I already had when my parents pierced my ears as a baby. I also had my nose pierced for a spell back in 2009 but my  nasal allergies won and I decided to remove the nose stud and let the hole close. Needless to say my parents are not fans of my tats or piercings but then again they respect that my body is my own and leave me be.

Five years ago I decided to stop dyeing my hair. Over time I have discovered many grey hairs. Once I mentioned my discovery to my mother she told me to start dyeing my hair again. I told her that I am planning to let my hair go grey. Personally I think I can rock grey hair. My mom is not a fan of my plan to go grey. I should clarify though that for my wedding I had my hair glossed. The glossing is a clear coat of dye that basically makes your hair look super shinny. My hairdresser only uses Aveda products so the gloss was one not tested on animals like most hair dye brands tend to be.

Over the years I have recognized a pattern in my beauty consumption. Once a year I tend to do something different. Usually I would dye my hair, get a tattoo or get a piercing. Since I stopped dyeing my hair I have just stuck to tattoos or piercings.  The last tattoo I had done was in August of 2010 and I had my mother in town for it. She was not a fan but seeing the process undid her prejudice a bit towards tattoos. She and my dad had for many years the bias that only delinquents and drug addicts got tattoos.

This past year I have been gauging my ears. For those that don’t know me, I have very sensitive ears. If a earring is not made from 9.25 sliver, gold or plastic my ears will automatically swell up and get crusty.  The original reason for my wanting to gauge my ears was so that I could have a tunnel earring in and whenever I wanted to wear hoop earrings I would just place them inside the tunnel earring.  Like so:

In the piercing world when one gauges their ears what they are doing is making the hole bigger. The smaller the gauge number the bigger the hole. Most people’s ear piercing gauge is anywhere from a 18-21. The ear piercings I got as an adult were 16 gauges. This year I have gone down from a 16 to a 14, 12, 10, and 8 gauge without any discomfort. Today I went down to a 6 gauge. The jump from 8 is 6 is pretty noticeable. The difference in size from a 6 to a 4 or 2 is very drastic in my opinion. 0, 00 gauge and the fraction gauges (such as 3/4s, 1/2) are way too big for my tastes. The smallest I plan on going is to a 4 gauge. I currently have tapers in my ears, and my ears are not happy with me. (Here is what a taper looks like and you can see the difference in gauge sizes):

This is the first time in the entire process that it hurt to gauge my ears. Currently I have a dull ache in the actual piercings but as I have gone through the pain of tattoos and other piercings the ache is one I can easily endure. I was hoping to be down to a 4 gauge by the end of the year, but I don’t know if I will rush it. I will have to wait and see how the 6 gauge treats me.

Ah, the price of beauty. No pain no gain as some would say.

Crystal Bridges Museum

Last night we attended the official opening of the new modern art museum up in Bentonville. We were there for about two hours until my feet got tired from standing the entire time. Currently if you are interested in going you need to “buy” tickets online (they are free). Once the frenzy dies down admissions won’t be so restrictive. I has a nice time and look forward to going back soon in the daytime where I am sure the environment changes the perspective on the art as well as seeing the outside art. One cool thing that the museum has is an app that lets you see highlights of the current art as well as maps and other cool info. I look forward to going back and being able to see all they have to offer.

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Rainy Fall Weather

I find days like this to be beautiful. Don’t you?

Evil Genius Update

Its that time of year… when leaves start to fall off trees and the air starts to turn crisp. Its my favorite time of year, mainly for being able to wear boots, hats and scarves!

Although I usually only crochet hats and scarves during the fall and winter seasons lately I have created some super cute hats both in the spring and summer months. I can explain this with one word…babies. A lot of my friends have been having babies in the past year and I decided to make them baby hats. Once I started that I thought, hell I can do kid hats too! Here are some examples of my creations:

This picture was taken before I added the buttons to the strap (Piggie)

Sea Creature with tail

Bear hat

Braid baby hat

I am currently making a hat for a special little boy and a fluffy scarf for his momma. I also have a hat and scarf combo and another animal hat lined up. Not to mention a scarf for one of my besties, and a scarf and two animal hats for my cousin and her children. If you would like to learn more about our products head on over to our Facebook page!

Halloween

This year my darling husband and I decided to dress up as characters from Wizard of Oz. Originally Morpheus was going to be Toto and Abacus as the Cowardly Lion but with Morphy’s departure to greener pastures we decided against dressing Abacus up.
Regardless of it just being Will and I dressing up, Halloween in this household is a big deal. Halloween is my hubbies’ favorite holiday and you can’t half-ass anything with him. This fact resulted in my making my Dorothy outfit from scratch.
Of course this meant that I chose difficult fabric and my sewing machine decided to give me hell.

This happened a lot. I still don’t know why the machine broke so many needles but needless to say the whole sewing process took much longer than it should had. To add insult to injury the moment I asked my mother in law to help me figure out what was wrong with the machine was when it decided to stop acting up.
Long story short here is the result of the sewing endeavor (with some finishing touches from Rosa):

One thing I can say about all of this is that I now have another apron. An apron that I can be proud to say was made with love, sweat and frustration.

Flower power

Random pictures of flowers.